Going away guilt

I’m about to head to Glastonbury festival. Wednesday morning I drop E at nursery and trudge my trolley and backpack into town to catch the coach. I’ve been thinking about Glastonbury for two years and E’s conception and birth was planned so that she arrived with us during a fallow year. Glastonbury has been my saviour during my low period a couple of years ago and a lot of fun, a place where I’ve met some lovely people and had a wonderful time.

I’m currently in ‘don’t think I want to go’ mode.

I usually get this before we go on holiday, especially abroad. I love travel but I also hate the actual travel part. Don’t talk to me before I fly, it’s not pretty. But I’ve never got it before Glasto before.

It’s guilt actually. Partly at leaving E for five days, though she is off to her grandparents where she’ll be spoiled rotten, but mainly at leaving S to look after her for five days. It’s hard work. I know that. I’ve had people tell me it’ll be good for them to bond, not knowing that he spends much of his time with her anyway; I’ve had people tell me I deserve a break and it does feel like that but what kind of break would it be without E and S?

I take to guilt very easily and if left to dwell, it can turn into self loathing. I have told S if he wants to do anything himself that I have loads of leave to take and can use it to look after E. It’s only fair. I have told myself that as the main breadwinner for the last few years, and especially so recently, with no holiday for three years and having just gone through a stressful redundancy period at work that I am allowed a few days off but still.

E will be fine. I don’t suppose she’ll miss me like I’ll miss her. But I do hope S is ok. He hasn’t said he’s unhappy so I think I’m probably worrying about nothing. I’m very lucky to have someone who lets me go off to Glastonbury each year with no worries. In a couple of year’s time I’m looking forward to taking E with me – in little wellies and a waterproof onesie – and he can get a break while I wonder what the hell I let myself in for.

In the meantime this will be the first night(s) I’ve spent away from her, and the longest time S and I have been apart since the last Glastonbury. I’ve packed three phones to keep in contact. And now I just need to relax!

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